Eau de Army

CPT: Can I show you the map board I've had to do for class?

Me: Sure. What's that smell? Why does it smell like sweat? Is that you?

CPT: No. It's the tape.

Me: Why does the tape smell like sweat?

CPT: I don't know. It's just Army tape. It's how it smells.

Me: Why? Does everything in the Army smell like sweat? Why does everything smell like that?

CPT: Abby, I DON'T KNOW. Just please look at this.

Me: But it smells bad. Are you sure it's not you?

CPT: NO! I just showered with Head & Shoulders [possibly some of the best smelling shampoo EVER. Not even kidding.], and these clothes are clean! Maybe it's your FEET!

Me: [face crumples] You KNOW I'm sensitive about my feet!!

CPT: I know. I'm sorry. Will you please look at this now? Please?

Me: FINE.

**explanation of battlefield or something and a weapons cache or something and enemies or something ... or something**

Me: Seriously. It smells bad. Why does the tape smell so bad?

CPT: [sighs in defeat]